I feel like a career is a lot like finding a soulmate. It’s unpredictable. It’s not always rational. You just have to go with the flow.
There’s been this heavy feeling weighing on me lately. Being a lead isn’t easy, especially when the company asks you to provide data on who should stay and who shouldn’t. It felt like everyone on the team was anxious and restless, some even reached out to me just to make sure they were safe. It was so overwhelming. For the first time, I truly felt how hard it is to fight for your team/people who might not even know that I was arguing and standing up for them behind the scenes.
On the other hand, I’ve also been feeling the burden of “feeling” responsible for other people’s careers. For the past four years, I’ve been helping so many people land jobs, being the person HR contacts, helping them find opportunities through my network, or even providing temporary work so they can at least have some income and experience through whatever business I can offer.
But sometimes, I ask myself: while I’m busy helping others, fighting for them, giving my all to support them has anyone ever treated me the same way? I know it sounds like I’m not sincere in what I do, but when you’re in a situation where you really need support, and you don’t feel like there’s anyone there for you… it stings.
Is it the world that’s falling apart, or am I just below average? I’ve been trying out different paths for four years now, and none of them seem to stick. I’ve tried everything: personal branding, reaching out directly to HR, making fancy decks and sending them to hiring managers, no response. Even the standard route of applying with my CV and portfolio feels so outdated. I don’t even get called for interviews. I keep wondering, what’s wrong?
Sometimes I’m baffled when HR reaches out, only to offer a specialist or officer position with a starting salary of 5 million. With over 9 years of experience, is it even worth it? And these are big agencies too.
I’ve started thinking: maybe corporate isn’t my path. Maybe I’m meant to focus on building and growing my own business. But still, I wonder, am I really that undervalued? Or is there something fundamentally wrong with how I’m being evaluated that my CV and portfolio just get ignored?
Sometimes, I’m just tired and resigned. A friend from my master’s program once shared how they gave up on dating apps because they were too drained to keep telling their story from scratch over and over again. That’s how I feel when trying to find new opportunities, exhausted, bored, and unmotivated. Hahaha.
Sometimes, you feel like you’ve found the perfect match… but turns out, nope. Four years ago, I felt the same way. I was so hopeful about this one startup that I thought was so me. But let’s not go there, it’s still painful to think about. It’s like heartbreak on another level. They didn’t even look at me! LOL. A friend who worked there even said, “You should’ve been here.” But I have no idea why they just passed me by.
On the flip side, I should be grateful for my current situation, still employed and in a more challenging role. But the triggers are always there. Thoughts about needing to do better, be better, achieve more, they keep calling out to me.
Anyway, that’s my little rant. But honestly, this latest “heartbreak” led me to swim nonstop for 1.5 hours. Just taking short breaths before diving back in. At least it helped me feel more neutral and calm.
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